contemplating

I never thought having a relationship could make me feel like I’m the happiest person alive and the saddest/bored person ever at the same time.  He already experienced the party life style and sexual experiences.  He is ready to settle down and have a serious relationship.  He met me when I was twenty and he was 23.  I wasn’t as serious as he was at the time we met.  I never thought about having a relationship at that specific time of my life.  I basically wanted sex and it was a mutual understanding.  After we did the deed, he told me I could stay the night.  I accepted the invitation and stood the night.  We went for breakfast and and made a movie date, which wasn’t followed through due to his forgetfulness.  I remembered, but I thought he was only joking about the movie until he called me thirty minutes after we parted ways.  We met a couple days later to watch Avatar.  That night was very new to me.  He made me feel like no other person has ever made me feel.  This was only the beginning of our relationship together…we obviously had some high and low times together and we have been together for 11 months and known each other for a year.  

Well with all this being said…..I still don’t know what I want. It’s so hard understanding what he is going through sometimes.  He wasn’t the ideal man I saw myself going after.  I saw myself with (if I ever did decide to settle down) a man as tall as I am and some what emotionally stable. I know that isn’t too picky. But the only thing I’m complaining about my man is that I do wish he was a bit taller, to not always start an argument when we are actually just talking, be happier, and have a high sex drive like I do.  I know I’m not perfect either. I need improvement with things I rather not mention.  I do want him to improve in his ability to be happy and his sex drive.  I don’t think that’s asking a lot.  

I do want him to be happy. I do think he is happy right now. I’m probably the best boyfriend….wait…I am the best boyfriend he ever had and vice versa.   Considering he is the only one I have ever had. I don’t think I am happy. The things I think that are fun, he thinks of them as being childish.  For god sakes, I am 21. For a typical 21 year old, I am very mature.  When he was 21, he still wasn’t as mature as I am now.  I know this because of stories he told me.  I mean I don’t want to make impulsive choices but I do want to experience certain things in life.  I don’t think he will ever get that….